"these are my hands...these are my faults...these are my plans...these are my nasty little thoughts...i wrote them down for you to contemplate..."

Sunday, March 20, 2011

Impatiently Struggling To Be Patient

You know that saying, "Patience is a virtue"? Well, I'm not exactly sure how many virtues I have, but patience certainly has never been one of them. When I was little I was the child that scoured closets and searched under beds for Christmas and birthday presents. As I got older it didn't get any better...I remember snooping through a boyfriend's bureau drawer to find my Valentine's Day present. It was the night before Valentine's Day and my impatient self could not wait a whole 16 hours for my present. He was both shocked and insulted by my actions. I have to give him credit though, for the next 3 years that we dated I never found one present from him. I have no clue where he hid them, I'm pretty positive he hid them outside our apartment. I looked everywhere for my presents...and never found one. I've always been the type of person that you can never utter these words to:"I'll tell you about it later". NO YOU WILL TELL ME NOW!! I start getting annoying with my questions..."What is about?", "Why can't you tell me now?" and "Is it bigger than a bread box?". I don't know how my family and friends have put up with me. They all might be eligible for sainthood just for dealing with me. My impatience quickly became worse once I started having really bad panic attacks. I feel like my anxiety issues were like throwing gasoline on my fire of impatience. I lost the tiny bit of patience I did have. As time went on and different situations arose, my anxiety just got harder to manage. Then I started developing a mild case of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, suddenly everything had to be a certain way or all hell broke loose. Dealing with all these emotional problems made it impossible for me to learn to be patient. Long story short, I finally reached a point where I could clearly see the negative effects of living like this. I decided I didn't want my anxiety and my OCD to completely run my life. I took baby steps. But, I started to gain control over my issues. I began dealing with things. Unfortunately, I was still impatient. I hate commercials, I hate red lights...I will yell at cars in front of me even though they can't hear me. I frequently yell at inanimate objects. If someone says "I'll call you later" or "I'll text you later", I need to know when later is. Then one day, not too long ago in fact, I decided I wanted to learn how to be patient. I got inspired by someone...well, it was a combination of this person inspiring me and the fact that I'm 30, and if I don't become patient now it's probably never gonna happen. Changing years of a certain behavior is really tough...I'm not gonna lie...I am a work in progress. I still am really neurotic and edgy. Just today I had to put my new patience skills to the test...and they worked. I'm proud of myself because if this certain situation I'm in had occured a few months ago I would not have acted the way I did today. Confusing I know, but bear with me, it felt good to be patient. Finally, that saying "Good things come to those who wait" had some meaning to me

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